most loyal but at times VERY unfaithful
For the last two weeks, my Twitter and Facebook friends and I have been discussing open relationships, polyamory and how being unfaithful has nothing to do with being loyal. The separate yet related discussions evolved into blog posts of all sorts on several sites.
This discussion might be as old as the the topic of love itself but it is one that I feel I have not gotten out of my system completely, mainly because I LIVE THIS. I want to discuss being Faithful vs being Loyal.
Why you should read this post…it is written from the point of view of a woman who has twelve years of experience with marriage…I am NOT writing from theories about if and when I get married this shit really happened in my life. I’m the most flawed ever so, read on and let my mistakes serve as your lessons without the bruising and tears…
If you have been reading my blog you know some very intimate details about my current situation but for those of you who are new here’s a quick recap:
- I was perfectly faithful for ten years during my marriage then…
- The husband and I experimented with swinging for a bit during which I found out that…
- I like girls but don’t think I could ever have a relationship with one…for now, I only like them sexually. I like men, a lot and swinging opened Pandora’s box…
- I realized what my relationship was “missing” and I was unfaithful more than once, both emotionally and physically, until I decided I wanted…
- a divorce but I am still legally married to my best friend who I can’t seem to walkaway from…and finally…
- I am an asshole who probably doesn’t deserve a good man, especially not the one who still loves me after all of the above.
Now, that you have the Cliff’s Notes here’s my argument: I am as loyal as they come but as flawed and unfaithful as can be. In looking back on ALL my relationships before I got married I was faithful to only one man and that was my first boyfriend in High School, Mr. Methodical, who cheated on me for sport. Now, I can’t tell y’all if it was his cheating that caused me to cheat on my boyfriends after but I do know how empty and worthless it made me feel. After knowing that pain I shouldn’t have cheated on men but I did cheat. Yes, I cheated a lot. On. Every. Single. One. Until. My. Husband. I was very good at it too. At one point I managed to juggle a boyfriend I lived with while having a separate relationship with another man. During another phase I was dating three men at once and yes, I was having sex with all of them with days off scheduled in between. I was SCANDALOUS! Trifling.
By all standards, I did not “deserve” to be wifed but during the Fall of 1998 that is exactly what happened. The husband and I went from about to end our farce of a marriage which we entered into to attain Military Benefits to living together and becoming true husband and wife. For ten years, we went through EVERYTHING together from the highest highs to the lowest lows. Not once did my loyalty wane…not when I had to go back to work two weeks after a C-Section because he had decided to quit his job, not when my two jobs and his one job couldn’t meet our bills causing BOTH of our cars to get repossessed within two weeks of one another, not ever. I stood by him pushing him forward more often than he pushed me forward. He reads this blog so, I can’t even begin to paint myself with rose colored glasses even if I wanted to. He knows the truth and that is that I always was and still am extremely dedicated to his success, his dreams, his happiness and his plan…even if and when those divorce papers become final.
Why? Because my loyalty is not found in my vagina. My loyalty is in my heart, my thoughts, my words and my actions. Loyalty is what keeps me committed to not only him but to all my friends who I love dearly. Loyalty is what keeps me in touch with that distant friend I haven’t seen in years. Loyalty is me always thinking about things they need or might want and how I can help them attain it. Loyalty is the reason why I have done so much pro-bono work for people who I know can afford to pay me but are friends…well, that might be a little bit of stupidity too. Loyalty comes in many forms but being faithful to someone does not equate being loyal to them. ¿Qué?
One can choose to be faithful. It is pretty easy actually, especially if the right temptations are never within reach. Being faithful is about choosing to not have intimate relations with anyone outside of your relationship. Being faithful AIN’T SHIT! ¿Qué? So, what you haven’t had sex outside of your marriage, and? Have you had to choose between paying your bills or buying food? Have you had to put your dreams aside to let the person you are with walk ahead? Have you had to leave everything you ever had to start in a new place because that is where your spouse wants to be? Even worse have you had to face sickness together…I mean extreme sickness. Speaking of…
I know a man who is a staunch Swinger. Dude, has had his well endowed penis in many a vagina…more often that not it is not his wife’s vagina. This man though when she got into a SEVERE car accident during the middle of their divorce he was taking care of her to include wiping her ass, bathing her, dressing her and feeding her. He stood by her from the minute he got the call from Paramedics to the point where she is now walking and almost as able as before. He was not faithful during most of his marriage and the accident didn’t cause him to become newly faithful but he was LOYAL! I know plenty of FAITHFUL fuckers that would have walked out on that woman because they could not have taken it. At. All.
Loyalty isn’t something we choose to be. Loyalty is a learned behavior that becomes ingrained from the moment you latch on to the right woman’s tit or the right man leads you as Father. In our families is the first place we learn about loyalty. I learned it watching my mother struggle as a fresh off the plane refugee eating canned radishes while she fed me steak. I learned it from listening to my Father’s stories about his mother who after becoming a widow raised FIVE children. My own spouse did not have those examples and that was why our marriage was built on a shaky foundation…
It doesn’t matter how faithful one partner is IF both aren’t LOYAL to one another…marriages, friendships, and businesses fail unless both people are dedicated to the success, dreams, happiness and plan the other has. Personally, I don’t care how many other women you are fucking, I don’t care how much you enjoy being with your other friends or how many businesses you start with new partners…as long as you are being loyal to me and are working within the bounds of our agreement.
What would you rather have a loyal person or a faithful one or do you require both and only both? Can you have one without the other? Am I just so truly fucked in the head that my view of the world is skewed?
