Lidia-Anain

Feb

03

find a happy place

Having feelings of wanting to run far far away. Feeling completely restless. So incredibly restless that I cannot study or get much done on the novel that I should be editing or the reading I need to do for this or that. The feelings of restlessness are quickly followed by anger and I don’t like myself when I become that person. The anger is followed by an emptiness and overbearing feelings of guilt. I don’t know what to do to make these feelings go away.

I know that I’ve hit a wall. A big wall that is going to take a lot of work to break through. I know exactly where the disconnect is within me and I also know what the internal and external things I need to change to make my life flow again are. *Seeing* the problems clearly doesn’t make them any better, any easier or any less painful. Sometimes in the seeing is where the most pain resides; where feelings have the most power and I don’t know what to do to make these feelings go away!

Hell yeah it hurts when you realize what the fuck is wrong with yourself or the life you’ve created!

I think that so many people stay unhappy or don’t move on because just the pain of seeing the problem becomes so big that the realization alone overwhelms them. What you see seems bigger than anything else so taking all the tiny actions you as a person need to fix things just is too much. Where do you start attacking the problem?

That’s exactly where I am right now…

Apr

25

romantic allure of suicide

Death eventually comes for each and all of us. For some of us it will come peacefully in the night on a night so far into our days that once our family and friends hear of our passing they will comment on what a long life we lived. For others death will be the final gift from a debilitating disease that just wanted to keep on giving. Some will meet death unexpectedly through some unforeseen accident that takes their life before it was time. Death seems to operate on a schedule that he reveals to no one but then again there are those of us that cheat death the pleasure of pulling the life out of us by doing it on our own terms. For some people suicide is the only way out…

Mar

28

as man & woman

diary / love & relationships / sex love joy archives

I never found one Disney princess I could relate to as a child. Not one. I didn’t play with dolls either. My childhood games were all imagination and heart. Theatrical works written one act at a time in which I always was my own hero. Then one day in the sixth grade I heard Karyn White sanging “Superwoman”. Yes! I said sanging…she was sanging the shit out of that song. While many of my girlfriends SANG that song most didn’t understand the meaning behind it. My mother was a Superwoman let down by her knight in shining armor. So, I felt it in my heart, I understood, I stopped where I was emotionally and I sang it loud…

Mar

07

a life worth living has never come easily to anyone

diary / introspection / motherhood / sex love joy archives

Today was definitely one of those days in which I kept taking two steps forward and one step back throughout the entire day. Although days like this result in an overall win while in the moment they feel really rough. While struggling with the moment sometimes I don’t even want to think about what lies ahead of me tomorrow.

I found myself chatting with a friend via text tonight about this very topic. We had to text because we both had so many things going at the time that it was the only possible way to hold a conversation. In that conversation she said that she didn’t know how I balanced being a mom with my other duties. She’s a married woman with no children yet and thought that my load was much heavier than hers. She revealed to me that she thought she would never be strong enough to be a mom because she could barely handle her current situation.

Feb

21

raising boys series – in order to learn how to love boys need their mother’s love!

diary / motherhood / sex love joy archives

I’ve been getting a lot of emails from readers asking for parenting advice and I honestly don’t feel it is my place to give anyone parenting advice. I’m a firm believer in not giving or taking too much advice about how to raise children, I actually covered that here. What I do feel comfortable with is sharing with y’all the lessons I’ve learned while raising my sons from the people in my life, my experiences and even my sons. It isn’t advice but I do hope that you get something from reading the posts in this new series, “Raising Boys“. ::gets to it::

Feb

07

he knows if you’ve been sad or depressed. your child lives within your facade!

introspection / motherhood / sex love joy archives

Many mothers who work very hard at giving their very best at work, to their children and the world around them often find themselves surrounded by a cloud of unhappiness they can’t shake. The source of this unhappiness is different for each woman that experiences it but most if not all will do everything in their power to hide the cloudiness from their children. Hiding our sadness from our children is something that us mothers think that we must do in order to raise happy children.

Jan

31

laughter – the world’s most powerful aphrodisiac

diary / love & relationships / sex love joy archives

There is no defense or offense that will work when he or she can ALWAYS make you laugh.

I’m smiling but I’m NOT laughing!

Is the only defense answer I can muster in those moments when my best friend of the last thirteen years makes me laugh even when I don’t want to…even when I know he is laughing at me and not with me. Laughing at me? Yes. That’s when you know that it is love when your ego retracts and it allows you to let that guard down. All the way down and you can let go and laugh at yourself. He makes me laugh at myself.

Jan

10

grasping for straws – lessons from jupiter

diary / introspection / motherhood / sex love joy archives

If death is a wake up call for those that it leaves in it’s wake to live then what would repeated waves of death that surround you be considered? Ten years ago, as people I worked with and their children began to pass away in sets of threes I took notice yet it didn’t really cause me to act until my place of employment began to seem like the Grim Reaper’s favorite spot to shop for souls.

As death surrounded me at work my relationship with my mother hit an all time low, my country had been attacked by terrorists, paying bills plus my tuition started to become too much for my spouse and I to bare and I knew if I didn’t swim sideways this rip current would drown my future but I didn’t.

I continued to swim straight towards the shore thinking that if I swam harder I would break free and just as I reached the point of exhaustion I reached out looking for something to cling to that would help pull me back to shore…

Dec

22

never underestimate a child – especially one of mine!

diary / motherhood / sex love joy archives

Like all mothers I will tell you that my children are simply amazing and I will let you know that my sons can succeed at anything they set their minds to. That’s why I’m going to need for people who don’t know my children to NOT say shit to them about what they can or can’t do. Background story…

We went ice skating last night to a local place where we had never been before. We arrived stood in line behind a family with one small child waited and then it was our turn. I told the lady there would be five of us skating and gave her the check card then she tells me it will be seventy-five dollars. She looks over the counter and down towards my five year old.

Oct

20

i have my own PMS. i don’t have to put up with yours!

introspection / sex & sexuality / sex love joy archives

I can’t tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like / …As long as the wrong feels right it’s like I’m in flight

Those lyrics describe me at my worst when I’m in the midst of oppressive PMS. Yes, this post is about PMS and I think that if you have a set of testicles you should still stay around to read it. A couple of weeks ago I wondered openly on my Facebook page,

I’m starting to believe that women while PMSing are as honest and mean as some Drunks. What do you guys think? Do the extra hormones cause some ladies to be looser with the truth? I want to hear your thoughts…working on a theory…

Oct

06

when jealousy rears its ugly head look in the mirror

introspection / sex love joy archives

It’s very easy to project our negative feelings about ourselves onto other people; this is something women seem to do best. It’s very easy to point a finger and let the blame for our inadequacies fall elsewhere but at the end of the day how does that help your growth as a woman? Too often these insecurities pop up as jealousy. You know how you can’t stand that one girl because she has naturally long nails that are always perfectly manicured? You tell yourself that that bitch probably ain’t never washed a dish in her life or much less kept a sparkling clean house like you do! Oh, wait that’s what I told myself for years when I saw that hoe.

Sep

08

thoughts are the demons who own me

diary / introspection / sex love joy archives

Have you ever been sick? Extremely sick to the point where you can’t do anything for yourself? Depression is that sickness for many of us, a dark cloud that blows into our heads which makes living fuzzy, it distracts us as it takes over each and every single cell in our bodies until we become paralyzed. Once it paralyzes it starts taunting us with all the things we could do if it hadn’t immobilized us. The worst part is that there is absolutely nothing we can do to escape it other than wait for the cloud to drift past us. I have been in and out of this haze for the last couple of weeks and today I have decided that I cannot go on like this; waiting is no longer an option for me. I want to live.

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