inner lives are sacred

My ears perked up when I heard her say, “You must nourish and protect your inner life.” She definitely was telling the entire damn truth. I knew all too well the value of being within oneself; I had learned self-love the hard way. What I learned the hard way is that our inner lives are sacred. It is on the inside where we sow our seeds, figuratively and literally even if you are not female bodied, it is on the outside where we harvest everything we’ve planted.

It is not possible to control the outside of yourself until you have mastered your breathing space. It is not possible to change anything until you understand the substance you wish to change. ― Jeanette Winterson

It wasn’t until I repeatedly, found myself standing in the ashes of what I once thought would feed my future, with nothing but a fistful of tears in my hands that I stopped focusing on the outside and went inside. I instinctively and as an act of self-preservation, went inside of myself to do the work that would ensure that no matter what life threw my way, that there would always be a positive to feed my soul and help me live another day. It was so much more than just thinking positive thoughts, doing acts of self-love, being with my emotions or focusing on myself; this was a new way of living thriving.

My tips for nourishing and protecting a sacred inner life that helps you thrive in today’s world.

  • Nourish Your Inner Life.

Feed your inner life the things that allow it to dream then expand. Nourishing your inner life requires being connected to the ebb flow of energy within you. For me, this diet mostly consists of music, books, relaxing seaside/mountainside getaways, moments of silence and conversations with people that listen without influencing but that gently nudge me towards the right decisions. My diet isn’t always low-key; who doesn’t eat something exotic or spicy once in awhile? Sometimes to nourish my inner life, I have to get my body moving vigorously. Yes, sometimes I feel the need to feast on action; running, biking, hiking and especially all things dancing. When I am in need of active nourishment, it also involves spending more time than usual around large groups of like-minded people, talking and laughing loud, sipping on our favorite drinks in a overcrowded bar or dancing the night away as sweat drips off our energized bodies. Just like the Earth has seasons our bodies have cycles, even if you are not female bodied, your soul has to adjust to the season within.

Fill yourself with all the delicious things you love and that inner voice will reward you with healthier thoughts and conversations that lead to bigger dreams. Feeding your inner life the best guarantees outer actions in a positive direction. Staying focused within, knowing exactly what kind of loving you need to keep you moving forward and balanced is the key to letting go of worry, struggle and pain. Believe me, as a person that spent too many years fighting depression, I know all too well that if you don’t feed yourself exactly what you need when you need it your inner world becomes a hell and your inner self an abused abusive demon.

You have to remember that no matter where you go there you always are. You cannot run from yourself. Your work, your lovers, your friends, your family, your parents…nobody can save you, except for you. You are the hero in your story. You have to be everything to yourself and guess what that means? That you have to feed yourself and then you have to protect yourself.

  • Protect Your Inner Life.

Protecting your inner life is where you’ll begin to get your hands dirty, how your real strength will emerge and when you’ll find out if you are cut out to be a hero. Not everyone is cut out for this; even the ones that are have moments when they can’t save themselves. Usually, if you can’t protect your inner life from other people it is because you are having trouble protecting it from yourself. Are you currently your own worst enemy? Focus on nourishing your inner life and do nothing but that.

Sometimes the only way you can protect your inner life is by doing nothing other than nourishing it. This is an especially radical subversive act when you are a parent but if you don’t provide yourself with what you need consistently more than likely you are not showing up fully as a parent. You might be doing a great job at being a parent but you are absolutely drained, exhausted and many times even resentful because you have been everything to your children without first being something to yourself. If you are married or in a relationship, these can also apply to you. Protect your inner life from yourself by doing less of the things you have to and more of the things you need to.

Too often protecting your inner life means shutting life suckers and energy vampires out of your life. As a High Priestess of Intuition, I often set bridges on fire just to keep people as far as possible from all that is good within me. Nourishing my inner life has given me a keen sensitivity for seeing which people have pure intentions and which ones have arrived to drain me. If you find yourself often complaining about someone in your life it is probably time for them to go. Cut that person off, tactfully is always best, then figure out what about you they were reflecting that you need to work on. These days whenever a person rubs me the wrong way, I first look really close to see what about them is triggering me. If following the trigger leads me to work that I have to do within myself, I figure out if I can do the work while this person is still in my life or if them constantly triggering me would hinder that work. Depending on that answer I decide whether I should burn a bridge or allow the person all the way up to my moat. If following the trigger shows me absolutely nothing that I need to work on and this person is still triggering me they always go and I don’t even care if I do it tactfully.

You have too much to fight for to wait for a savior or the ideal conditions to live the life you dream of… nourish and protect your inner life… make it hard for life’s circumstances to knock you down. Do not lay down on the inside!

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Cancer by The Waxer

Cancer.

What an ugly word.  Unwanted.  Darkness.  Epidemic.  Misery.  Burden.  Disease.  Pain.  Sickness.  Unhappiness.  Destruction.  Poison.  Infectious.  Agony.  Heartache.  Deadly.

Cancer. I hate just saying the word.  Cancer.  My stomach churns.  Cancer.  My lower back and spine start to hurt.  Cancer.  It sends shivers down my entire body.  Cancer.  I shutter in fear.  Cancer.  And every time I speak it, I’m faced with it’s reality…

I don’t know what I would do if I lost her.  I think about it all the time.  I’ve been attempting to stay positive, at least that’s what everyone thinks.  Cheerful to those on the outside looking in towards me.  ”There she is” they think.  ”She’s got such an interesting way of looking at life.  Such a positive outlook.  Such a free spirit.  Such an open soul.”  And I smile back.

Because if I show any sign of weakness, any at all, even let this smile off my face… they will know something is wrong.  They question you.  I’m not ready to talk.  They just make me feel worse… holding back the tears forming in my eyes.  Quickly I walk away before they become to suspicious.

Sometimes I hate being so open and understanding.  It’s like people take advantage of it.  They talk and talk and talk and talk.  And I listen.  But the second I talk, suddenly I’m speaking to an audience of the deaf.  As long as I can solve their problems, then all is well in the world.  But the moment I just need someone, the earth can only be balanced as long as there is no one to listen.  So instead I hide.  Underneath my happy-go-lucky exterior.  And I act out.  And I push the people close to me away.  I try to be open about what’s going on, but I just can’t.  And they read it on my face.  And they just write me off as being a bitch.  Let them.

None of it even matters.

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Nobody Can Make It Out Here Alone by Dr. Phoenyx

What’s your biggest goal in life? What have you dreamed about since you were a little girl or a little boy? For me, it has always been one thing… becoming an author.

This year, I finally achieved my greatest goal. I wrote my first book, If You Love It, It Will Grow: A Guide To Growing Long Afro-Textured Hair, which is set to publish February 2012.

I sat down and wrote every single word of my 60,000 word manuscript. And I spent seemingly endless days locked in my home writing and revising- then writing and revising some more. But this project was not a one-woman show, not by a long shot. If not for the element of the human connection, I would not have found the inspiration for this book. Furthermore, without the help of others, I would not have been able to take a simple Word document and transform it to the beautiful book that is sitting on my bed as I type this post. From my editor, to my photographer, to my graphic designer, to my friends and my family- without the help and guidance of others, I would not have been able to make my lifelong dream a reality.

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Loss by Wookiesgirl

Loss.

…such a small word and yet, for some, its meaning is unfathomably huge.  So much so, that it can be the only thing we see, feel and breathe.

Today marks the two year anniversary of the death of my cousin, Jacob. He died as the result of a drug overdose. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him. He is by far the biggest loss I’ve had in the last three years.

I want to talk about what loss means to me, what it looks like and how it feels right at this moment.

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The Definition of Me by Wookiesgirl

I’ve had this idea poking at me for a while now. I’ve wanted to write a blog post in which I could define me for you. Not an easy task, since I am still figuring out exactly who I am.

 

Do any of you truly know who you are? It’s something I wonder about. Do you really know yourself and can you be honest enough to bare your belly and show all?

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my heart is sick of being in chains

Had a poignant conversation today with a new friend that I trust very much. A new friend that trusts me too. We have been confiding all sorts of things. We started sharing our dreams for our careers and we’ve moved to talking about our childhoods and mothers. My friend is beautiful on the outside but especially on the inside. My friend is balanced. My friend is smart. My friend is ambitious. My friend has it together. My friend is absolutely going places. I wish I was more like her but I am so extremely happy for her because the last thing I want is company in my misery. My friend is the me I could have been had I sought therapy and made better choices.

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secrets + friendship

You don’t want to be the one they tell all their secrets to. You don’t want to be that friend that always gets to hear what they wouldn’t tell others. Through the years,  I have often been the first person to find out about this or that and although I am great at keeping secrets I don’t seem to be great at keeping the friends that tell me their secrets. I’ve learned that being the confidant puts you in danger of becoming the friend that gets dropped when they want to forget what they’ve said, thought or done. When a friend shares with me some deep dark secret I listen, place their secret deep in my memory never to be shared with anyone else then mark the day that I knew that friendship would end eventually. I have always wondered why these people grow apart from me especially when they trusted me so much. Why are friends quick to drop the friends that they confide in even if the friend has never betrayed their trust?

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i have my own PMS. i don’t have to put up with yours!

I can’t tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like / …As long as the wrong feels right it’s like I’m in flight

Those lyrics describe me at my worst when I’m in the midst of oppressive PMS. Yes, this post is about PMS and I think that if you have a set of testicles you should still stay around to read it. A couple of weeks ago I wondered openly on my Facebook page,

I’m starting to believe that women while PMSing are as honest and mean as some Drunks. What do you guys think? Do the extra hormones cause some ladies to be looser with the truth? I want to hear your thoughts…working on a theory…

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these are my kids and I got this!

If you are a mother and you tell me that every single night you go to bed without thinking of at least one thing you could have done better I am not going to believe you. I also won’t believe you if you say that you have never gone to bed completely exhausted wondering where your energy to fuel tomorrow will come from. There might be a real life Super Mom out there some place that can do it all while keeping a perfectly clean house, perfectly manicured nails all while working from home and homeschooling.

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social networking making breakups messier than ever

Fifteen years ago, meeting and dating was very different from how it is today. Usually, meeting someone required physical proximity but now through the invention of social networks there is no physical proximity required to meet someone. The fact that he is Miami and you are in Seattle doesn’t prevent you from meeting or dating. On Twitter and Facebook you and your Boo connect virtually becoming a part of every aspect of each other’s lives, you don’t have to miss anything because most of us post everything. Skype replaces traditional phone calls letting you be together virtually in a much more intimate way. He hops a quick flight from time to time, you do the same and hey, the long distance relationship grew faster and is easier to maintain than ever! Indeed, social networking has changed some aspects of dating for the better but what about the parts it has made worse? As much as social networking has changed meeting and dating long distance for the better it has changed how couples interact with each other’s social circles during and after a relationship for the worst.

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definition of friend and lover

Wrapping up this month’s topic…Can friends become lovers?

How many of us have had friendships with someone then started having sex? A lot.

It was very easy for me to define Fuck Buddy and B.U.D.D.Y. but defining a friend that becomes a lover is not something I or anyone can do for you.

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my definition of b-u-d-d-y

Last week, I told y’all that Fuck Buddy, B.U.D.D.Y. and friend that becomes a lover are all very different things to me and I gave y’all my definition of what a Fuck Buddy is. It was a hot topic because many of you sent me tweets, direct messages, left Facebook comments/messages, blew up my BBM and sent emails telling me about your experiences. I really loved hearing all your stories. I encourage y’all to leave comments here so that we can discuss what works and what doesn’t as a group. I am not only writing Erotic Stories and these blog posts as my own therapy but because I know I can’t be alone in how I think and feel.

So, let’s get back to learning more about my crazy yet not so insane theories…

B.U.D.D.Y. n. a person with whom one becomes acquainted with for the purpose of satisfying carnal desires and forming a romantic friendship that is not exclusive

Note: if you don’t know the textbook definitions of ALL the words I’ve used to define B.U.D.D.Y. and you also make the mental note that this relationship is not exclusive then you really can’t even begin to understand my definition of what one is.

You meet someone that you are physically attracted to. You get to know them some then end up liking their personality enough to want their company. This is someone you want to sex, socialize with and depend on. This person gets the full benefits of a courtship except exclusivity.

First and foremost, to embark into a B.U.D.D.Y. relationship both individuals must not be the jealous or possessive type. If you or the other person are jealous or possessive this is NOT going to work. Don’t even try to lie to yourselves ladies and some fellows! You damn well know if you need that security exclusivity provides. If you are going to trip about where the other person is at, does he/she like Suzzy/Bobby more than me, or you just plain like your man/woman sitting up under you 24/7 then this shit isn’t going to work for you. Not. Never. Ever. Go find yourself a boyfriend/girlfriend and stop lying to yourself!

The main difference between a Fuck Buddy and a B.U.D.D.Y. is that with the latter you do spend time doing more than just sexing. You date. You socialize with friends like any other couple. You talk about the future and possibly even start to plan out a future together. You share. You care. Yes, you can care and share with a Fuck Buddy but you don’t associate with that person outside of the bedroom, kitchen, car, beach, elevator or other place y’all might be fucking at. What you definitely aren’t doing with Fuck Buddy is planning a future beyond when is the next time y’all are meeting to have sex again. The plans for the future are saved for someone  B.U.D.D.Y. status.

Oh, boy, now you think I’m completely confused and don’t know what the hell I’m talking about because of that last sentence. Yes, I did say that you can possibly plan a future with a B.U.D.D.Y. in fact, yes, yes, yes, you can! If you think I’m nuts keep reading because you don’t have a clue what a B.U.D.D.Y. really is. Musiq’s B.U.D.D.Y. gives away the type of relationship that a B.U.D.D.Y. arrangement really is. Since, I know that I can’t listen to the song without wanting to dance let me give ya the lyrics that detail it for ya right here.

I just wanna part of your heart I can borrow / (sometimes) and maybe I could call you up (sometimes) / And maybe I can take you out (sometimes) / This a different type of commitment (yeah) / I’m talking ‘bout a true friendship (yeah) / Someone I can depend on / To be down no matter what / But, but, wait, wait, let me explain a buddy is a equal beneficial arrangement / A buddy is a buddy that don’t be complaining / When his or her buddy ain’t the buddy they came with / The definition of a real buddy is… (that) / She’s that one that you can have fun / And ride shotgun through the city with me / Together there’s no limit to what we can do / And once we in it girl it’s all about me and you / Don’t be shy, give it a try I could be yours and you could be mine

I know you my friends are all smart. Very. What is Musiq describing?

Yes, a B.U.D.D.Y. arrangement is an open relationship! What some of y’all didn’t know that this song and term are about polyamory? Well it is. It has to be. There ain’t no way you are in a commitment that involves you and your partner being cool with one/both of y’all dating and sexing others too unless you are in an open relationship. So, next time this song comes on causing you to start singing it all loud and proud remember you are singing about open relationships. He isn’t talking about a Fuck Buddy that you get to date and socialize with, there isn’t such a thing…it doesn’t exist. People this stuff really isn’t that complicated once you learn these definitions, grasp them and figure out how you want them to apply to you and your love life.

Before you start judging consider that many of your friends and family are in open relationships but don’t call it that. To many what truly is an open relationship is seen and labeled as dating with sex while exploring other options. There are many people in happy successful open relationships but remember that a B.U.D.D.Y. relationship can pose it’s challenges. The main problem is that one person will become more attached than the other person. I’ve had B.U.D.D.Y. arrangements that worked fine for me and the men involved but I think the key was that this sort of bond worked for the point our lives were in at that time. I know what you are thinking here I go again with terms and conditions and yes, here I go.

A B.U.D.D.Y. agreement works very well for people who are busy professionals, college students, people that travel often and for people who enjoy their alone time. It works best when both partners have a large dating pool to choose from that they want to swim in while enjoying and exploring the relationship with their B.U.D.D.Y. further. When both partners agree that they both can date/sex others and not trip that is an open relationship that can work and provide freedom that is unparalleled. Not having to be up under someone 24/7, being able to walk away for a hot minute, enjoying the company and pleasures of another person, while having someone who is committed to being there for you…sign me up! Wait. A. Got. Dam. Minute. My B.U.D.D.Y. is going to be fucking other women? I won’t know how many? I can’t limit him or interview these bitches? Unless condoms are always in proper use this don’t sound so bueno. Let me sleep on it.

@NativeNotes asked me yesterday if these relationships could change from one to another over time? Yes, some of these can change without complications while others not so much.

The Changes…

Someone who you have a successful Fuck Buddy relationship with can easily become your B.U.D.D.Y. in fact this might be the smartest move. You’ve both been enjoying the sex, through the sex you both realize this person is cool and you both start wondering why not start doing things together while dressed? Upgrading a Fuck Buddy to a B.U.D.D.Y. can be a good look but the key is that both partners must want to move it to the more serious platform. Most people who have been enjoying a Fuck Buddy relationship shouldn’t trip about the lack of exclusivity because they are already happy to go about their own way without you when need be. The upgrade doesn’t always work for everyone but it is the most logical transformation of all.

A Fuck Buddy can also easily become just a friend if they were a cool person you find interesting to begin with. The Fuck Buddy to friend transformation only seems to work when one or both individuals enters a relationship making the sex no longer an option. If the sex is still an option for y’all and you become friends I am pretty sure you’re going to keep having sex and either end up where you started, in a B.U.D.D.Y. arrangement or possibly a committed relationship.

Can a B.U.D.D.Y. become a Fuck Buddy? I wouldn’t recommend trying to downgrade a B.U.D.D.Y. to a Fuck Buddy, ever. Think about it.

Hey, Bobby, I know we’ve been really close sharing everything, always been down for one another and the sex is great but I want to change our arrangement. How about we just fuck now and that is it?

That is not a good look. Even a free loving freak like Lidia-Anain would be offended and hurt by this downgrade. That’s what it is too a downgrade. If you want to change things up with your B.U.D.D.Y. I would suggest that you merge them over into the friend zone. Many open relationships end up settling into just friendships without drama or hurt when the sexual flame fizzles.

That brings us to the friends. Can a friend become a Fuck Buddy or a B.U.D.D.Y. successfully? Come back next week and I will give y’all my thoughts on that. You may or may not like what I have to say about it.

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