…such a small word and yet, for some, its meaning is unfathomably huge. So much so, that it can be the only thing we see, feel and breathe.
Today marks the two year anniversary of the death of my cousin, Jacob. He died as the result of a drug overdose. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him. He is by far the biggest loss I’ve had in the last three years.
I want to talk about what loss means to me, what it looks like and how it feels right at this moment.
If things had been different…
…Tomorrow, you’d be celebrating your Quince while everyone wished you a very happy birthday.
My reality is…
…Memories of what could have been while I wonder if I should even consider September 8th your birthday.
If things had been different…
Light is beginning to fill my house this morning. From my bedroom I can see it creeping up the stairs coming for me but yesterday began with little light. I am not that woman that likes to look into the past too often. This year my motto has been Pa’lante which literally translates to forward. I have been working towards becoming a better woman so that I can finally sit happily in my skin and just be. So, when last week a very important man from my past wrote me again on Facebook I hesitated writing him back. I sat for a minute trying to decide if responding could lead to pain the answer was yes but then I remembered a prayer I had made a year ago.
If death is a wake up call for those that it leaves in it’s wake to live then what would repeated waves of death that surround you be considered? Ten years ago, as people I worked with and their children began to pass away in sets of threes I took notice yet it didn’t really cause me to act until my place of employment began to seem like the Grim Reaper’s favorite spot to shop for souls.
As death surrounded me at work my relationship with my mother hit an all time low, my country had been attacked by terrorists, paying bills plus my tuition started to become too much for my spouse and I to bare and I knew if I didn’t swim sideways this rip current would drown my future but I didn’t.
I continued to swim straight towards the shore thinking that if I swam harder I would break free and just as I reached the point of exhaustion I reached out looking for something to cling to that would help pull me back to shore…
As I sit here typing, in the darkness with only the light from my desk lamp and monitor to illuminate my thoughts I wonder do emotions connect us? The sultry beat of another Tori Amos song starts to invade my musings and I think YES! Emotions DO have to connect us. That is why after listening to these same songs for years I can never tire of them. Tori Amos is one of those singer/songwriters that has helped me along my path from those awkward teen years to my early thirties. She had to feel these emotions that make her music relevant to me.
I was going through birthday party decorations. So, happy thinking about how many smiles will be put on the faces of my two youngest sons on their upcoming birthdays. DIII on September 3rd and DII on September 10th. Then I got to thinking what should I get my lil brother for his birthday September 8th and that’s when I began to lose it.
The day that always meant so much to me because it’s the day when God gave me the gift of a lil brother to accompany me. That day forever “tainted” with the birth and death of my ONLY daughter. I started to think maybe this year, maybe this year I will be “strong” enough to release her ashes. Then the tears just came. That sense of loss. That question again…why did she have to be taken away?