A week from today, Charlie Glickman and I will be teaching, “How to Get What You Want in Bed.”
The workshop is part of the pre-playa edition of Metta Dance at The Center SF. Tickets are $15 at the door.
Do you ever feel stuck when you try to tell your partner what you want in bed? Are there things you want to try or changes you want to make in your relationship that you’re not sure how to talk about? When you can share your desires, needs, and concerns, getting what you want is much easier and sex educators Charlie Glickman and Lidia-Anain are here to help. Whatever your relationship structure, they have lots to offer. They’ll talk about some of the common hurdles we all face, offer plenty of tips for overcoming them, and give you some great new ways to make sure you get what you want!
Hope to see you there!
It has been well over a year since the idea to start a live and interactive web show about sexuality, in which I sit down with other sex educators and smart perverts struck me. About a month ago I decided that this August no matter what I would launch this live show in one form or another. I set the date of the launch for end of August and hoped that it would come together. Well, did it ever come together just this Monday after having lunch with my dear friend Jamye Waxman.
Since we have been talking about doing something together almost since we met, I decided to ask her about how she felt about cohosting the live web show with me. Jamye loved the idea because it had crossed her mind to start something like it before. Instantly she said yes and on the spot we started planning it out. Sitting in her car before we both went to our respective after lunch meetings we set the date for the first show (August 15) and decided that we would name the show, “Sex With Others.” The next day we announced it to the world via Facebook and in less than thirty minutes our new Facebook page had over 100 likes. We later announced that we wanted to sit down to talk love, relationships and sex with other sex educators and smart perverts and we got several responses and private messages within minutes.
As we walked from Starbucks to her car planning the show Monday afternoon we agreed that this show was something that both of our readers, friends and colleagues would like and if done properly would be great, but we never expected there to be so much support and interest for it before our first show. Although we never expected we are extremely grateful for it. Thank you!
Sex With Others launches Wednesday, August 15 at 10 p.m. EST!
Will you be watching us chat love, relationships and sex with others?
Monday, Jamye and I will be putting more information on the Sex With Others Facebook page but for now please click here to RSVP for Wednesday’s show.
We welcome and would love your thoughts and opinions!
- Yes! We want you to suggest show topics and/or pose questions you’d like us to tackle.
- Yes! We want to know which sex educators and smart perverts you want us to have on the show.
- Yes! We want you to join the conversation and ask us and our guests questions during the show.
- Yes! We cannot create a great show without y’all so please do not be shy about sending us suggestions.
Are you as excited about Sex With Others as we are? Pun intended.
I had a hard conversation the other day. A very dear friend and I had to come to terms with the fact that she practices mono-intimacy. She can really only have one important person in her life at a time- and that person usually defaults to the one person she is romantically involved with. We’ve been close friends for decades and this is her consistent pattern: have a best friend whom she is not romantically involved with but treats like a partner. You know, like a “play-spouse” doing errands together, attend events together, mixing up the mundane and the playful, all while casually dating other people. Then out of those casual dates she connects deeply with someone and then shifts all of her attention to that person. Suddenly she forgets to return phone calls or keep up those weekly traditions. Her friends will say she’s in a love coma, or a lust bubble- which can last for years at a time for her.
This goes beyond monogamy- this is about being unable or unwilling to devote attention to more than one connection at a time. And it is hard to watch a woman in her 30’s do. Maybe when you’re in your late teens or early 20’s it’s normal. Maybe age has nothing to do with it at all. Maybe this isn’t something she needs to grow up from. Maybe this is just how she is. And there is a lot of support for this type of relationship structure. There are a lot of ways we can look at this situation, but what I’m seeing is that there is a spectrum of intimate availability. Some people are more than just capable of maintaining multiple intimate connections- they need to do it. They need to have more than one person they feel deeply connected to, or are even romantically involved with, so they do the work to make sure they have that. They show up and they invest and they participate in ways that let their people know that they are loved. It is simply how they relate. Then we have my friend- who would be at the opposite end of the spectrum.
As parents, we’re forever caught in this dilemma of whose needs and wants get prioritized. How far down the line we put ourselves can cause a lot of problems in all of our relationships. I see the connection to my children as very much a living, breathing relationship. Kind of like the U.S. Constitution– yes the fact that I am their mother is set in stone, but how that plays out and what that looks like it subject to amendment. It’s election season so my metaphors are all a little political. There are three people in my family so it’s an easy allusion to the branches of the federal government. If I’m the President, then one son is Congress and the other is the Supreme Court. Yes, I do feel like I’m constantly being judged and the threat of impeachment is real. Look at what happened to Bill Clinton’s presidency due to his sexual behavior… tell me there’s not some similarity there. Are you raising a Kenneth Starr? What about a Newt Gingrich? Is there an aspiring Neo-Con in your household?
I worry about that a lot; how to balance my sexuality with my parenting. How to meet my own set of parenting standards while prioritizing my sexual health? The bar is high for both of those aspects of my life. I’ve definitely had times when my sexual needs fell far down the ladder of priorities. And I’m totally okay with that. In fact, it lets me know that I’m a responsible adult. But I also know that taking care of myself is crucial to my being a healthy parent. Part of being sex-positive to me, is that I can say no to sex whenever I need to. I don’t have to perform for anybody and I don’t have to meet anyone else’s standards as to what my sexuality should look like. And when there comes a time when sex is just not a priority, I’m confident enough with my own judgment to be at peace with it. Even as a person without a primary partner, there is no panic or rush.
You know what’s been difficult for me when it comes to seeking out parenting resources? Believing that the person who wrote the book or the article or the blog post had me in mind while writing it. I want information and suggestions. I want expert opinions and well thought out guidelines. I want to commiserate and nod my head in agreement while reading. But are the things that make me different from those authorities and scholars insurmountable barriers to my accessing their suggestions about how to raise my children?
Sometimes it feels like it. Like I just know they’re not talking to me. I’ve felt like many parenting resources have a little invisible asterisk by the title: Does not apply to Queer parents, single parents, kinky parents, poor parents or sexually active women. Do I really want to read yet another parent how to book that assumes I’m straight, middle class and married? Do I have to ignore the lump in my throat when the baseline assumption in the article about time management and intimacy is that I wish I had more time to be alone with my husband? Not that there is anything wrong with that article, or having a husband, we’re just over-saturated with that perspective. The assumption that just because I had heterosexual sex at one point in my life means I’m heterosexual all the time is aggravating. The theory of sexual fluidity has existed for decades. It’s not new or shocking or trendy. It’s real. People’s sexuality shifts and changes, exists upon a continuum and spectrum of lived experiences and attractions, opportunities and challenges. We know this. So why does this understanding about sexuality suddenly come to an abrupt stop when it comes to parents?
Hello Sex Love Joy readers!
First off, thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my little survey. I am honored to be a guest writer for Lidia-Anain and wanted to make sure my posts here are as useful to you as possible. Over the next few weeks I’ll be sharing my own stories with you as well as providing links to other resources that I can confidently recommend as sex-positive for parents.
I want to share with you a series of conversations that I had many years ago that set me on the path of becoming The Sex-Positive Parent. Like many women, I have embraced the feminist mantra that the personal is political. And our family ties, while deeply personal, can also be the microcosmic metaphor for the larger political context we find ourselves in.
My family tends to reproduce every 20 years. I was 21 when I gave birth to my first son, my father was 20 when I was born, my mother was 23, her mother was 20 when she had her and that mother’s mother was 21 when she became a mom as well. I’m definitely hoping to bump that age up by about 10 years with my own children, but for now, I have more examples of young parenting than I do anything else. Being only 20 years apart from my dad, and the fact that his mother was a primary caretaker in my life, meant that he and I had a different type of dynamic. He felt like an uncle more than a dad a lot of the time. So I know that the conversations my dad and I have aren’t conventional. I am his only child. We are very similar.
This post is the conclusion of a story that began here.
The vulva war began with him taking down my vulva poster without asking me first. It would escalate with days and days of me bringing up how persistent violence on television had to be far worse for our children than one collage of a few vulvas on the side of our fridge. It would end with me putting my vulva poster back up exactly where it once had been but in between there were a lot of conversations about vulvas and violence.
When you are raising children together you spend a lot of time making compromises. Raising children is one of the hardest most joyful things two people can do together but it requires total collaboration and communication because even if you share similar beliefs and usually agree there will be times when you oppose one another. In my household we pretty much are always in agreement on everything. My spouse might be my opposite in many ways but when it comes to the important things we always agree – or so I thought until the topics of sexuality and violence as they pertained to our children started coming up.
My spouse, like me, was raised in a household where violence on television wasn’t a big deal. We were both allowed to watch violent television shows and movies. Sex scenes or even implied sex scenes were a no-no in our households. His mother had him leave the room when the scenes were about to come on and my parents allowed my brother that was six years my junior to watch but not me. Our parents completely avoided talking about sexuality – in any form whatsoever. It was as if violence was okay and natural but sexuality was dirty, unnatural and not to be spoken in our households. Yet, we both knew our parents were sexual beings, we learned to masturbate on our own (feeling guilt and shame for it), and we both eventually started having sex before we became adults. The only influence our parents had over our sexuality was negative and censored but when it came to violence our parents were open and approving.
In November I went to Joani Blank’s Femalia book signing and picked up the poster you see below. Joani in passing suggested that it should be placed somewhere public. I can’t remember for certain if she said something about wishing people would have them on their fridges but that’s where I put mine when I got home; the side of my fridge.
There’s nothing gross or graphic about this poster; it is a beautiful collage of vulvas. My oldest son, he was eleven at the time, commented on it being a cool looking kaleidoscope as his dad cringed knowing what made up the beautiful collage. As time passed and my oldest kept examining the poster he said that parts of it looked like organs to him. He specifically asked me, “Mom are those people’s insides in the poster?”
I was honest and told him that the poster was a collage made from photographs of different women’s vulvas. I asked him if he remembered what part of a woman’s anatomy that was; his answer sort of. That was a perfect opportunity for us to have another conversation about sex, sexuality and anatomy. I popped open some of the sexuality resources that I have that were age appropriate and we had a great talk. My son asked questions again, shared his concerns about his developing body and told me that he wasn’t too sure if he was going to like going through puberty.
Before I start consuming new books in 2012, I wanted to make sure that I shared with you three very important lessons that I learned from three great books I read in 2011.
Lesson #1: It is never too late to get what you really really want from sex or life!
That subtitle perfectly describes exactly what this book is all about. Had this book been in my hands in 1994, the year in which I began to define my sexuality and what I wanted from sex, I am sure that it would not have taken me eighteen years of trial and error to get to the confident pleasurable place where I am now!
When I started reading this book, I was once again struggling with the terms of my relationship, my sexual desires and my career goals. It hurts when you aren’t sure what you really really want because you’re worrying about what others expect, want for you or will say about you! I think that it might hurt a little more when you know what you really really want for yourself but can’t verbalize it because of fear. I knew what I wanted before picking up this book but I still worried about *them* then early in this book I read….
“Don’t let the fear of “getting a reputation” of any kind hold you back from exploring your sexuality on your own terms, even if that means you’re not ready to explore it yet.”
Family Values? How did my early family life/upbringing impact my sex/relationship life? That’s such a complex question ain’t it? That’s exactly why I want to talk about the family member that many forget has a huge part in defining our sexuality before many of us even hit puberty – the media. Like many, my parents really never had “the talk” with me which left me to learn on my own from friends, television, movies but most often from music. This is a story about how three popular songs taught my generation a few things about sex and it goes a little something like this…
I am attending Sex::Tech 2011 conference today and tomorrow. What is the Sex::Tech conference? Well, according to their site it is:
Sex::Tech 2011 is a two-day annual conference hosted by ISIS, Inc. that brings health and technology professionals together with youth, parents and community leaders to advance the sexual health of youth in the U.S. and abroad. Sex::Tech is the only conference event that showcases high-tech educational content (mobile, social media, Internet) developed by professionals, highlights national and local program successes, and puts youth leadership at the forefront.